Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A royal engagement. ...predictable.

News has surfaced that Prince William finally has nothing left in his life to blame for his lack of proposing to Kate Middleton. It appears that the second in line for the throne popped the question while holidaying in Kenya, after having carried his mother's priceless engagement ring around in his rucksack for a good portion of the trip.

Wills playfully spoke of the trouble he'd be in if the ring got lost, but no amount of laughing can ever hide that much sheer terror. "Now, and I'm just spitballing here... is there any way we can graft the ring on?" "I'm afraid not, sir." "Oh, sod. Super glue it is."

A smiling Wills claimed in the interview that with his helicopter search and rescue training "out of the way," everything just felt right. About as right as incessant, anonymous, notes addressed to Wills with decreasingly cryptic threats scrawled in red lipstick. It's no secret that he probably still has feelings for a past girlfriend, and with Kate being painfully aware of this, there comes a point where it's irresponsible not to take matters into her own hands.

Royal Guard: Sire, another note.
Prince William: *sigh* What does this one say?
Royal Guard: Erm, "marry her or die", Sir.
Prince William: Oh, very imaginative, Kate.
Kate Middleton: *shrugs* Odd. That must be kind of annoying. Maybe if you just do it, the notes will stop.

As the interview progresses, it becomes more and more clear that Wills has rehearsed anything to do with having to sound or look happy. We're told over and over again that "everything was right," which as my hilarious libel has proved above, is not necessarily the case. "Time for the next helicopter course, then, Pops... my landings are just a tad off. You don't want people to die on mountains do you?"

In perhaps the most awkward yet hilarious turn of events of the whole interview, he made reference at least twice to "having giggles" in the context of spending time together. Now, I'm no doctor, but I can only assume means they play hide and seek, then wait a while to see if she's pregnant. "Giggle time, Kate." "...I had something else in mind." "GET IN THE CLOSET AND COUNT TO ONE HUNDRED. hehehehehhe."

Kate, who did well to keep her absolute delight in about as much check as anyone could expect, took the opportunity to flaunt William's dead mother's engagement ring, completely sidestep all of his attempts at humour ("THIS IS MY TIME TO SHINE"), and then have to be bailed out by him once it became clear that she had no real idea how to fend off the interviewer's subtle jabs. Fifty bucks says she had to convince herself not to go with "Erm, terribly sorry *muted snigger*, but I can't quite hear you over the sound of this huge rock on my hand. Bam, you just got Futurequeen'd!"

However, she did do well to hold her own when confronted with questions about the breakup. She put across the image of someone glad that she had time to mature, rather than someone who did nothing but scream "Over! It's all over," and plot revenge, which is what we can safely assume happened. Lawsuit you say? This is how it always goes in the movies. Hunk leaves girl, girl eats cookie dough and sobs. Except in this instance, replace hunk with 'rich and attractive future-king-son of celebrated iconic princess,' and girl with 'former future queen.' It's basically science. Boom. Reasonable doubt.

If you'll excuse me, I have attorneys to call.

Disclaimer: At no time has Kate Middleton threatened to kill any member of the royal family..... to the best of my knowledge? (Libel is hard.) Probably also most of what I said is inaccurate in some way. (Go easy, G-men.)

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