Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well, it's been fun

Hey kids, I have purchased my very own shiny .com

Come chill with me over at


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What the fuck Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan has been given the all clear to drive again, however the Betty Ford holiday clinic has refused at the last minute to allow her behind the wheel.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking finally a sensible rehab clinic. Babies and strollers everywhere will thank Betty Ford. Wrong.

The bad man is refusing to let her drive because the paparazzi are causing too much of a stir. Translation: if she hits a pap, it's probably endo for any sort of working relationship between a celebrity rehab clinic and the paparazzi. Too cynical? Humbug.

The best part of all of this is that Lohan has emailed her lawyer asking for a restraining order against the paparazzi. Against. The. Paparazzi. Imagine being the JD on the receiving end of that. Freedom of the press on one side, angry famous white girl itching to get back on the cokehorse on the other. How do you explain to the most famous 12 year old on the planet that you can't really put a protective lawbubble around her vroom vroom so she can leave the bad place and go score some Charlie?

See what I did there? I'm bad.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

1L students, take note

Charlie's grin, prior to commencement of his 'they can't prove I nailed her' dance.

Charlie Sheen's lawyer has made a statement denying that there was ever a sexual encounter between Charlie and Capri, nevermind one that was paid for. Seriously, guys, she was just the hired 'entertainment.' Does Sheen not realize that the only two possible explanations are either that he hired this woman for sex, or that Charlie Sheen actually had to pay a woman to do strictly nonsexual acts? Talk about Sophie's choice.

This is essentially the lawyer meets gold digger meets alcoholic equivalent of when you put sandwiches in the fridge at work and then someone eats them. You confront them about it but there's no proof because they burned the condom. Or something. There's no smoking gun anyway (which in a prostitution case, pretty much has to be a hidden camera, and an undercover cop yelling "FUCK ME FOR MONEY BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO," while 4 detectives crowd around a TV in the next room watching).

I've always thought that lawyers must have a field day with this burden of proof stuff. If there's no actual evidence, you can invent whatever explanation you want and it pretty much has to do. With that one denial, the cops know everything they need to know to axe the investigation. Sheen isn't gonna cop to it, the girl is gonna lie through her teeth whichever way gets her money, and the lawyer is going to sit back, get paid, and laugh. That's not a prosecution, that's a goddamn episode of The Practice.

I should write legal dramas. I think my first work will be 'The case of the extremely expensive timepiece that some whore couldn't keep her hands off while the nice man snorted some powder in the next room." What do you think? ...Guys?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Bret Michaels shouldn't have nailed what'serface

Miley Cyrus is refusing to sing 'Every Rose has its Thorn' at the AMAs, which can only be interpreted as some sort of hateful backlash toward Bret Michaels, who may or may not have plowed her mammy. Kids these days. Next she'll be refusing to perform if someone in the family dies. There's just no committment to being a famewhore anymore. Or maybe she's just scared of forgetting the words.

The media in general has lately been up in arms about Cyrus trying to break free of her Disney image, and it seems with good reason. There are certain things you can do because your parents are getting divorced, like fly to other countries to drink beer, or show millions of Americans your bajiner. Defying Poison at the AMAs is just not one of them. And to think, Retarded Jack Sparrow's feelings are now probably really hurt. Just look at that pout.

Clearly devastated

Oksana gets greedy

Fifteen million just to shut the hell up ain't enough for some people. Oksana Grigorieva, whose lawyer had already negotiated that very amount in a tidy little payday package, is now instructing her attorney that she is eager to recommence negotiations.

TMZ reports that this would be done by threatening Mel with continued negative publicity, which Grigorieva has expertly deduced that he does not want. In specific, Oksana has apparently learned that the 'ante' could be upped by bringing domestic violence allegations into what was formerly only about America's new favorite pastime, the glorious glorious tapes. (Which, incidentally, make for excellent soundboard fodder. Skip to about 1:20)

For me, it's all a waiting game now. I just want to say I called it when TMZ starts reporting Eric George is applying for a restraining order against Oksana for continued harassing texts like "Everyone knows about the blow job and fire thing, eric, old news. But does he really want public knowing that some times he does not leave the set [sic] for the toilet down?? I am thinking maybe a half millions. Get back to me."

On the one hand, this is probably any given attorney's greatest dream come true, a greedy celebrity client with money to burn and only the pain of anti-semites in mind. On the other hand, how do you make sure a woman scorned stays sensible enough to bring any money at all in? Any lawyer who says civil casework is easy has clearly never owned a disobedient Mordvinian pitbull drunk with revenge.

Friday, November 19, 2010

DMX: Am I doing it right? Guys? Aw man.

Taken and adapted from

Determined not to miss out on the coverage, DMX went and got himself arrested for failing to check in with his PO. One can only hope it was worth it, because now he has a probation revocation hearing scheduled.

I love society. It's actually profitable for him to do this, because it means he gets to stay (become?) relevant. "Hey, did you hear T.I. hates prison? Also, DMX might be on his way there!" "Oh, man. I totally forgot he existed!" X's wet dream. More likely: "DMX is an idiot hahaha what a dickhead."

I love the idea of him sitting in a chair somewhere watching a solid gold clock, the seconds ticking down, weighing up going to prison vs not going to prison. Once he decides he's not going to check in, he still has to wait until it's too late. Then, he decides it was a stupid idea, but now there's nothing that can be done about it except at least hope his mugshot makes it to TMZ. The internal torture is hilarious. Forgive me if I don't feel bad for rappers trying to bump each other off the front page.

All press is good press. Now we just have to wait for Drake to down some purp and rob a liquor store ("TELL THE COPS IT WAS AUBREY AND HE SAID T.I. IS A BITCH AND TMZ IS GAY.") I'm just playin', he'd probably say Drizzy.

Disclaimer: Mr Graham is probably not going to rob a liquor store. If he did, though, he would write a really good rap about it.

When I walked in the door
Holdin dat 44
His instincts said hit the floor
But in my core I knew
What I had to do
Tip and X in the news?
Fuck it make that Drizzy too

Haha, it was really rather rude
Shootin' some old dude
But the drank went and took hold
Sittin' in the cell I stewed
But I am going to sell the exclusive interview to TWPB and make him rich so it's okay.

I should ghost write. Call me.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hold the presses, T.I. is sick of his punishment

Rapper T.I. has just completed month one of his eleven month lockup, following a drug bust leading to charges for violating probation. His peeps have sorted a way for him to get messages out from prison, which he is actively using to bitch, sulk, and otherwise talk about how he doesn't want to be locked up. No way.

You're a dick, T.I. Moments like these make me respect Weezy that little bit more, for dealing with his time like a man. Imagine if had been Fuck that. Live by tha drank, die by tha drank. Suck it up, smuggle in an mp3 player, and do some pushups.

"Even though it's been a long road, I'm still standing, barely but nevertheless still standing." I think maybe what's happening here is my grip on ebonics isn't strong enough. Maybe long road has something to do with testing positive for opiates and possession of purple drank and violating probation? Who can be sure, all I know is that photo makes him look like that punk from San Andreas you're meant to hate.

I'm a mahfuckin' genius
(parody, innit)

When you have nothing but time to come up with sincere sounding messages, which generally make people buy more of your records, or at least not hate you, and still come out with "fuck prison yo," it's fairly safe to say you don't have half the grip on the game that other rappers do.

From the pen of TI

All this time inside has been very inspirational for me, and I feel like I am learning a lot about what it means to be connected to something spiritually greater than myself

I love all my fans, you are the greatest. Keep on with that fan mail because if it weren't for you guys these dark days would be even darker. RESPECT

Thanks for your kind words, fans. It is a daily struggle but I will see it through like a man and atone for my sins. I will be back bigger than ever to tear up the charts. PEACE and LOVE KING*

Fuck prison, this pain is unlike any other. My family were criminals so this ain't my fault. Time to get selfish. Yeah, let's go with that.


TMZ has the full message for your perusal

College girls go Gaga for the French

About to go under the academic microscope

The University of South Carolina is all set to offer a course on Stefi Germanotta's meteoric rise to fame as a pop artist from a relative unknown in very little time. The concept itself is fine; I'm sure it'll be a perfectly respectable course, grounded in sociological theory and theories of fame going back thousands of years; Gaga is the natural case study.

What gets me is what will no doubt be the end result. Professor famedocteur will be doing his utmost to teach the class, but no doubt lingers in my mind that the girls, sorry, students, will be having none of the readings or theory. Half will be showboaters looking for some sort of magical bitchstar uniqueness formula. The other half will be musically minded women who've known their scales since age 6, wanting to learn crazy from the ground up. "None of this sociology rubbish, get me seven kilos of raw steak. I needa be famous by the next time mom calls."

The professor, Matthieu Deflem, has been a huge follower of pop culture since the 1960s. He better hope he doesn't have a shred of silver fox in him. For the purposes of this article, I have taken the liberty of researching the perfect recipe for a clusterfuck. It is as I suspected.

Take one older French gentleman, make sure he has seen Lady Gaga perform in excess of 20 times. Now have him meet her 5 times. NB: Doctorate essential. What you want to do now is throw him into a classroom half full of frustrated music performance students and half full of extroverted famewhores itching (pun, STD's and that) to get ahead by any means necessary. Let simmer on high heat for approximately 2-3 months. Your end result should resemble a broken, newly divorced, academically tarnished professor (herpes not certain but probable), and a classroom full of A students who never did any of the reading.

Perhaps the sneaky Monsieur rigged it this way to start with. He probably thought he was so clever, what with his packing a classroom full of daddy issues and frustration and all. What he is sadly yet to learn is that college girls are scary, and even moreso when the only man in sight is older, French, and a goddamn professor. I can see the texts going back and forward now.

Beckii: Case of 4loko says I fuck him by weekend
Tifani: OMG bitch hes probly married
Tifani: Fine its on  but im gonna get him first
Charlotte: "Mass blackout text: Anyone who knows what happened to my vagina last night, please inform me. Also dibs the frog."
Beckii: Ground rules: no rape?
Charlotte: No deal. I bought nightnight pills esp.

Frenchy's in for a ride. Girls with good grammar are always crazy.

Ke$ha... animal.... screw it, too easy.

Taken from

So this is Ke$ha pre fame? It doesn't really surprise me. Her voice is actually kind of grating when you think about it, and anyone talentless enough to need to base a whole song on the poor little country maid just to make deadline probably looked this annoying at one stage of their life.

She looks like the girl who sits on her own in the cafeteria. The goths might make an effort to convert her, until she shoves them out of her face ("CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY") and continues flashing creepy cheerful smiles at the cheerleaders' table. She breathes heavily and bides her time. One day...

On a side note, I guess this is proof enough that anyone, anywhere, can get famous. Inspirational, in its own sickening way. If they're enough of a whore, that is. ....It is a catchy melody though.

I'm the whitest polar bear
If you hate me I don't care
something else then underwear

Somebody get me EMI.

A penny for your thoughts.     (Not really, I'm cheap)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Of busters and restraints - Vin diesel voted sexiest dude by facebook

I'm confused - didn't we already know this? I know I still have an erection from that one time he shouted something about handcuffs and looked angry. No? Awkward.

You better be making me look good
Go time


Take a look, if you will, at Mister Diesel at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. This is only going to work if we make it educational.

Narrator: The alpha male pushes his female companion forward to bear the brunt of the photographer's wrath. He rests easy in the knowledge that this will send the right message. He aims to have us observe that he is sexually active (thus increasing his standing within the pack), but also that he has not yet attracted the most desirable female (thus advertising that he knows he can, should, and now will, do better).

It just works. He even had her coordinate her outfit with his (no woman would willingly wear that then try to force the Diesel to follow suit [eh?]) to show his utter dominance.

Narrator: When it is time to leave the lair of the photographer, the alpha communicates in the simplest of possible sentences, lest he decrease his dominance through verbosity. In this instance, a simple "Bitch, we roll" sufficed. She is initially repelled by his caveman-esque attitude and refuses to accompany him, but is inevitably overcome by his undeniable wave of sex.

To the detractors, who would comment on his inability to do anything but action films, I direct your attention to the world wide global smash hit "The Pacifier," in which he convincingly portrayed a placid male lead who has to find a secret underground dungeon then defeat the laser security and kick ass- oh. Well, he has the return of Xander Cage locked down, which will have more of what the fans want. Heavy metal and extreme stunts. A man who knows what I like? So sexy.

So, there we have it. It's nature show official. Don't mess with those guys. They sound non threatening and British but they know about and have access to large jungle cats. Vin Diesel has earned his title of the sexiest man alive, as voted by Facebook. Anyone who disagrees? Well, you've been pacified.      Nailed it.

Disclaimer: no homo.

A royal engagement. ...predictable.

News has surfaced that Prince William finally has nothing left in his life to blame for his lack of proposing to Kate Middleton. It appears that the second in line for the throne popped the question while holidaying in Kenya, after having carried his mother's priceless engagement ring around in his rucksack for a good portion of the trip.

Wills playfully spoke of the trouble he'd be in if the ring got lost, but no amount of laughing can ever hide that much sheer terror. "Now, and I'm just spitballing here... is there any way we can graft the ring on?" "I'm afraid not, sir." "Oh, sod. Super glue it is."

A smiling Wills claimed in the interview that with his helicopter search and rescue training "out of the way," everything just felt right. About as right as incessant, anonymous, notes addressed to Wills with decreasingly cryptic threats scrawled in red lipstick. It's no secret that he probably still has feelings for a past girlfriend, and with Kate being painfully aware of this, there comes a point where it's irresponsible not to take matters into her own hands.

Royal Guard: Sire, another note.
Prince William: *sigh* What does this one say?
Royal Guard: Erm, "marry her or die", Sir.
Prince William: Oh, very imaginative, Kate.
Kate Middleton: *shrugs* Odd. That must be kind of annoying. Maybe if you just do it, the notes will stop.

As the interview progresses, it becomes more and more clear that Wills has rehearsed anything to do with having to sound or look happy. We're told over and over again that "everything was right," which as my hilarious libel has proved above, is not necessarily the case. "Time for the next helicopter course, then, Pops... my landings are just a tad off. You don't want people to die on mountains do you?"

In perhaps the most awkward yet hilarious turn of events of the whole interview, he made reference at least twice to "having giggles" in the context of spending time together. Now, I'm no doctor, but I can only assume means they play hide and seek, then wait a while to see if she's pregnant. "Giggle time, Kate." "...I had something else in mind." "GET IN THE CLOSET AND COUNT TO ONE HUNDRED. hehehehehhe."

Kate, who did well to keep her absolute delight in about as much check as anyone could expect, took the opportunity to flaunt William's dead mother's engagement ring, completely sidestep all of his attempts at humour ("THIS IS MY TIME TO SHINE"), and then have to be bailed out by him once it became clear that she had no real idea how to fend off the interviewer's subtle jabs. Fifty bucks says she had to convince herself not to go with "Erm, terribly sorry *muted snigger*, but I can't quite hear you over the sound of this huge rock on my hand. Bam, you just got Futurequeen'd!"

However, she did do well to hold her own when confronted with questions about the breakup. She put across the image of someone glad that she had time to mature, rather than someone who did nothing but scream "Over! It's all over," and plot revenge, which is what we can safely assume happened. Lawsuit you say? This is how it always goes in the movies. Hunk leaves girl, girl eats cookie dough and sobs. Except in this instance, replace hunk with 'rich and attractive future-king-son of celebrated iconic princess,' and girl with 'former future queen.' It's basically science. Boom. Reasonable doubt.

If you'll excuse me, I have attorneys to call.

Disclaimer: At no time has Kate Middleton threatened to kill any member of the royal family..... to the best of my knowledge? (Libel is hard.) Probably also most of what I said is inaccurate in some way. (Go easy, G-men.)