Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well, it's been fun

Hey kids, I have purchased my very own shiny .com

Come chill with me over at


Tuesday, November 30, 2010

What the fuck Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan has been given the all clear to drive again, however the Betty Ford holiday clinic has refused at the last minute to allow her behind the wheel.

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking finally a sensible rehab clinic. Babies and strollers everywhere will thank Betty Ford. Wrong.

The bad man is refusing to let her drive because the paparazzi are causing too much of a stir. Translation: if she hits a pap, it's probably endo for any sort of working relationship between a celebrity rehab clinic and the paparazzi. Too cynical? Humbug.

The best part of all of this is that Lohan has emailed her lawyer asking for a restraining order against the paparazzi. Against. The. Paparazzi. Imagine being the JD on the receiving end of that. Freedom of the press on one side, angry famous white girl itching to get back on the cokehorse on the other. How do you explain to the most famous 12 year old on the planet that you can't really put a protective lawbubble around her vroom vroom so she can leave the bad place and go score some Charlie?

See what I did there? I'm bad.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

1L students, take note

Charlie's grin, prior to commencement of his 'they can't prove I nailed her' dance.

Charlie Sheen's lawyer has made a statement denying that there was ever a sexual encounter between Charlie and Capri, nevermind one that was paid for. Seriously, guys, she was just the hired 'entertainment.' Does Sheen not realize that the only two possible explanations are either that he hired this woman for sex, or that Charlie Sheen actually had to pay a woman to do strictly nonsexual acts? Talk about Sophie's choice.

This is essentially the lawyer meets gold digger meets alcoholic equivalent of when you put sandwiches in the fridge at work and then someone eats them. You confront them about it but there's no proof because they burned the condom. Or something. There's no smoking gun anyway (which in a prostitution case, pretty much has to be a hidden camera, and an undercover cop yelling "FUCK ME FOR MONEY BUT ONLY IF YOU WANT TO," while 4 detectives crowd around a TV in the next room watching).

I've always thought that lawyers must have a field day with this burden of proof stuff. If there's no actual evidence, you can invent whatever explanation you want and it pretty much has to do. With that one denial, the cops know everything they need to know to axe the investigation. Sheen isn't gonna cop to it, the girl is gonna lie through her teeth whichever way gets her money, and the lawyer is going to sit back, get paid, and laugh. That's not a prosecution, that's a goddamn episode of The Practice.

I should write legal dramas. I think my first work will be 'The case of the extremely expensive timepiece that some whore couldn't keep her hands off while the nice man snorted some powder in the next room." What do you think? ...Guys?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Bret Michaels shouldn't have nailed what'serface

Miley Cyrus is refusing to sing 'Every Rose has its Thorn' at the AMAs, which can only be interpreted as some sort of hateful backlash toward Bret Michaels, who may or may not have plowed her mammy. Kids these days. Next she'll be refusing to perform if someone in the family dies. There's just no committment to being a famewhore anymore. Or maybe she's just scared of forgetting the words.

The media in general has lately been up in arms about Cyrus trying to break free of her Disney image, and it seems with good reason. There are certain things you can do because your parents are getting divorced, like fly to other countries to drink beer, or show millions of Americans your bajiner. Defying Poison at the AMAs is just not one of them. And to think, Retarded Jack Sparrow's feelings are now probably really hurt. Just look at that pout.

Clearly devastated

Oksana gets greedy

Fifteen million just to shut the hell up ain't enough for some people. Oksana Grigorieva, whose lawyer had already negotiated that very amount in a tidy little payday package, is now instructing her attorney that she is eager to recommence negotiations.

TMZ reports that this would be done by threatening Mel with continued negative publicity, which Grigorieva has expertly deduced that he does not want. In specific, Oksana has apparently learned that the 'ante' could be upped by bringing domestic violence allegations into what was formerly only about America's new favorite pastime, the glorious glorious tapes. (Which, incidentally, make for excellent soundboard fodder. Skip to about 1:20)

For me, it's all a waiting game now. I just want to say I called it when TMZ starts reporting Eric George is applying for a restraining order against Oksana for continued harassing texts like "Everyone knows about the blow job and fire thing, eric, old news. But does he really want public knowing that some times he does not leave the set [sic] for the toilet down?? I am thinking maybe a half millions. Get back to me."

On the one hand, this is probably any given attorney's greatest dream come true, a greedy celebrity client with money to burn and only the pain of anti-semites in mind. On the other hand, how do you make sure a woman scorned stays sensible enough to bring any money at all in? Any lawyer who says civil casework is easy has clearly never owned a disobedient Mordvinian pitbull drunk with revenge.

Friday, November 19, 2010

DMX: Am I doing it right? Guys? Aw man.

Taken and adapted from

Determined not to miss out on the coverage, DMX went and got himself arrested for failing to check in with his PO. One can only hope it was worth it, because now he has a probation revocation hearing scheduled.

I love society. It's actually profitable for him to do this, because it means he gets to stay (become?) relevant. "Hey, did you hear T.I. hates prison? Also, DMX might be on his way there!" "Oh, man. I totally forgot he existed!" X's wet dream. More likely: "DMX is an idiot hahaha what a dickhead."

I love the idea of him sitting in a chair somewhere watching a solid gold clock, the seconds ticking down, weighing up going to prison vs not going to prison. Once he decides he's not going to check in, he still has to wait until it's too late. Then, he decides it was a stupid idea, but now there's nothing that can be done about it except at least hope his mugshot makes it to TMZ. The internal torture is hilarious. Forgive me if I don't feel bad for rappers trying to bump each other off the front page.

All press is good press. Now we just have to wait for Drake to down some purp and rob a liquor store ("TELL THE COPS IT WAS AUBREY AND HE SAID T.I. IS A BITCH AND TMZ IS GAY.") I'm just playin', he'd probably say Drizzy.

Disclaimer: Mr Graham is probably not going to rob a liquor store. If he did, though, he would write a really good rap about it.

When I walked in the door
Holdin dat 44
His instincts said hit the floor
But in my core I knew
What I had to do
Tip and X in the news?
Fuck it make that Drizzy too

Haha, it was really rather rude
Shootin' some old dude
But the drank went and took hold
Sittin' in the cell I stewed
But I am going to sell the exclusive interview to TWPB and make him rich so it's okay.

I should ghost write. Call me.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hold the presses, T.I. is sick of his punishment

Rapper T.I. has just completed month one of his eleven month lockup, following a drug bust leading to charges for violating probation. His peeps have sorted a way for him to get messages out from prison, which he is actively using to bitch, sulk, and otherwise talk about how he doesn't want to be locked up. No way.

You're a dick, T.I. Moments like these make me respect Weezy that little bit more, for dealing with his time like a man. Imagine if had been Fuck that. Live by tha drank, die by tha drank. Suck it up, smuggle in an mp3 player, and do some pushups.

"Even though it's been a long road, I'm still standing, barely but nevertheless still standing." I think maybe what's happening here is my grip on ebonics isn't strong enough. Maybe long road has something to do with testing positive for opiates and possession of purple drank and violating probation? Who can be sure, all I know is that photo makes him look like that punk from San Andreas you're meant to hate.

I'm a mahfuckin' genius
(parody, innit)

When you have nothing but time to come up with sincere sounding messages, which generally make people buy more of your records, or at least not hate you, and still come out with "fuck prison yo," it's fairly safe to say you don't have half the grip on the game that other rappers do.

From the pen of TI

All this time inside has been very inspirational for me, and I feel like I am learning a lot about what it means to be connected to something spiritually greater than myself

I love all my fans, you are the greatest. Keep on with that fan mail because if it weren't for you guys these dark days would be even darker. RESPECT

Thanks for your kind words, fans. It is a daily struggle but I will see it through like a man and atone for my sins. I will be back bigger than ever to tear up the charts. PEACE and LOVE KING*

Fuck prison, this pain is unlike any other. My family were criminals so this ain't my fault. Time to get selfish. Yeah, let's go with that.


TMZ has the full message for your perusal