Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Of busters and restraints - Vin diesel voted sexiest dude by facebook

I'm confused - didn't we already know this? I know I still have an erection from that one time he shouted something about handcuffs and looked angry. No? Awkward.

You better be making me look good
Go time


Take a look, if you will, at Mister Diesel at the Victoria's Secret fashion show. This is only going to work if we make it educational.

Narrator: The alpha male pushes his female companion forward to bear the brunt of the photographer's wrath. He rests easy in the knowledge that this will send the right message. He aims to have us observe that he is sexually active (thus increasing his standing within the pack), but also that he has not yet attracted the most desirable female (thus advertising that he knows he can, should, and now will, do better).

It just works. He even had her coordinate her outfit with his (no woman would willingly wear that then try to force the Diesel to follow suit [eh?]) to show his utter dominance.

Narrator: When it is time to leave the lair of the photographer, the alpha communicates in the simplest of possible sentences, lest he decrease his dominance through verbosity. In this instance, a simple "Bitch, we roll" sufficed. She is initially repelled by his caveman-esque attitude and refuses to accompany him, but is inevitably overcome by his undeniable wave of sex.

To the detractors, who would comment on his inability to do anything but action films, I direct your attention to the world wide global smash hit "The Pacifier," in which he convincingly portrayed a placid male lead who has to find a secret underground dungeon then defeat the laser security and kick ass- oh. Well, he has the return of Xander Cage locked down, which will have more of what the fans want. Heavy metal and extreme stunts. A man who knows what I like? So sexy.

So, there we have it. It's nature show official. Don't mess with those guys. They sound non threatening and British but they know about and have access to large jungle cats. Vin Diesel has earned his title of the sexiest man alive, as voted by Facebook. Anyone who disagrees? Well, you've been pacified.      Nailed it.

Disclaimer: no homo.


  1. Disagree. Post cranial, hes good. His face reminds me of a mentally retarded half man half bear half pig.

  2. I don't really regard facebook as a worthy source of statistics, and besides, I lost most of my respect for Vin Diesel after "The Pacifier". Like The Rock (or is it Dwayne Johnson now?), he's a former-badass.